the thought luau

Ahh, it's been a long time since I wrote anything, and I apologize. I have been hibernating thoughts, slow roasting them like an imu pit, in preparation for the feast that is some enlightened moment of writing.

Pardon me, I just had to pause from my thoughts and have a hissy fit, as a cockroach just tried to climb up my toe. ew. There is really no more despicable creature to me than a cockroach. They make my mind squirm. In fact, they just might be the sole impetus that drives me from the Hawaiian islands someday. They are that horrifying! well, them and the damn bird that whistles me awake at five in the morning...before my own alarm clock two year old sings me awake. I usually love hearing the sound of bird song...but not before the sun is up...and not THIS bird that chirps his little lungs out literally half a centimeter from our windowsill. Him I cannot really stand - in fact, I hear myself mumbling thoughts of violent nastiness while I toss and turn and throw a pillow over my ears. OK, enough about the wild critters that draw me back into my home each night. Back to my thoughts...

Soft rain is falling tonight, as it has for the past seven nights. It is a very comforting and soothing friend, the rain. I haven't really been near her for months. I haven't seen steady rain since leaving Seattle in April, and I am now able to see her strengths. Rain helps us to go inside, to get internal, to get real with facing your life. It is easy to be sunny in the summer, and easy to be outside yourself, enjoying time with other people, lavishing the outdoors, being open and exposed. But when the rain comes, there is no place to hide. We retreat indoors, to ourselves, to our core. So now, I turn to write. And I realize how much of my life is becoming full, with the busy efforts of chasing a toddler filled with energy to the endless attempts to establish myself and my practice here in Kona. I am feeling more and more scheduled, having to check my calendar and make plans weeks in advance. I am starting to live a life that is at least somewhat playing into the future, with a forward momentum that is both intoxicating and exhausting.

I try to stay in the here and now, but there are events and ideas causing me to push my brain ahead in time. It is a nice feeling, nonetheless to have a life rich in possibilities, as long as I continue to keep a portion of those plans in the optional category. It is when they become obligatory that life begins to feel constrained and forced, without the spontaneity of choice and discovery. I choose. Optional, functional, open. I enjoy the rhythm of my days lately, spent with park, pools, and playdates, work in between, and the small moment to ourselves whenever we can.